Friends celebrate the good times and hold hands during the scary parts -- quote by me!

We only get one day at a time, right?
I'm trying to keep my thoughts attuned to the day, or at least not allow them to run a muck, chasing whatever's waiting for me around the bend.
I have a first C-monster check up after Christmas. I can't think about that. It's too scary.
I did everything I could do. I beat it back, got it out of me. It's gone. It must be gone. Please, keep it gone. It's my only Christmas wish.
Obsessive thoughts.
Thank God I have terrific people in my life. Family and really amazing friends, wonderful people to celebrate the triumphs and hold hands during the scary parts. Heck, I have a lizard in a Santa suit. How lucky can a girl be?
And my favorite people, my two kiddos will be home Saturday. I can't wait. I even like the way they smell! It will be so good to spend Christmas together as a family. I'm going to hug and smell them for two weeks!
I hope you have people you want and need in your life with you at Christmas time. Just having people that we love so desperately in this big world is a blessing, whether you can be together or not.
Thanks, Universe!
Sandra, our lizard, pictured above. Photo credit: Kay Becker. "Christmas Makes Me Smile." Copyright reserved.

Making More Moments

Ever since the C-Monster took a shot at me, I feel I must wring every moment out of every moment.
But I wasted Monday. The temperature was -30 (yea, MINUS 30), so I canceled my day plans and used the day to recover from weekend birthday celebration. I slept, watched TV and read more of Tom Wayman's newest work of fiction, Woodstock Rising.
Big hugs to Kevin and Rachel, our more-like-family-than-friends who spent the weekend with us and drank all of our wine!
I did not waste the day of my big FIVE-O. While I slept, a Chinook slipped over the western Rockies, like a warm blanket, a wonderful and welcome gift from Mom Nature. I went out to lunch, shopped and then out to dinner--a perfect day!
Huge thanks to my family and friends for celebrating with me.
I have so many things I want to do! I want to write at least one book, take more writing classes, go dog sledding, visit Hawaii, Mexico, Alaska, Vancouver.
I want to do it all.
First, holidays at home.
Are you making the most of your moments?

Mammogram Madness

Yesterday I heard a young, 40-something woman say, "I like getting my annual mammogram because once it's done, I'm cleared and don't have to worry about it (breast cancer) again until next year."
Buyer beware!
The media talking heads are not reporting what's most important about this new mammogram study: many young women have dense breast tissue and Mammogram, even with new digital capability, does not image dense (young) breast tissue well.
Don't take my word for it--ask a radiologist and/or ask your doctor.
One of the objectives of breast cancer awareness is to recruit women to be their own advocates for their breast health. We accomplish this by performing regular breast self check and asking questions of health care professionals.
Here's a few things I never knew that are very important to breast health:
1) If a health care professional tells you, "your breasts are dense," ask them what that means and how it affects your imaging quality and risk.
2) Feel your boobies! Get familiar with them. They're your girls--protect them!
3) Did you know that most breast cancers occur in the left breast? Yea, me neither.
4) Did you know that the area from your armpit south to your nipple is a kind of "hurricane zone" for cancer?
Everyone is different, but in my case, I found the lump myself. And I kept checking it for about two weeks to see if there was any change. There wasn't. I told my best friend knowing she'd make me get it checked (I'm a coward). I wish I'd trusted my instincts rather than waiting two weeks.
My doctor sent me for a mammogram. I marked the area in two places, as directed, with a metallic button on a tiny band aid. The mammogram could NOT "see" the 2 cm tumor.
They sent me for an ultra-sound. It took a while for the techs to find it. See? Guess where it was? Yes, left breast, hurricane zone.
According to my after-surgery pathology report, I had "very dense breast tissue."
I wish the people at the breast centers that I used SINCE I WAS FORTY had explained what this density means or, even better, I wish I'd asked more questions.
The best thing that will come out of this controversy is awareness. Be careful out there and protect your girls!

Key to Free

How do I move forward?
This question is, apparently, common among survivors. Support agencies offer various methods which allow the survivor to express emotions via expressionist arts, meditation, Yoga.
During my new cancer survivor's Yoga class, the instructor introduced the last pose as "corpse pose" and everyone laughed. It's the very thing we're all trying to avoid!
One might think that after chemo, surgery and radiation, the cured patient will embrace life, run through fields of flowers, pursue excruciatingly passionate endeavors. I want go, do, see everything, as fast as I can, but I'm stuck. I'm too weighted with emotions. I have to sort through what the hell just happened to me.
I worry that I'm wasting precious time.
Treatment is its own journey. I marched through it like a good soldier, "don't think, just do what must be done."
So here I am in this space between journeys where one must accept what's happened before they can move forward. I can rest here, but I'm restless. I miss feeling free. I never feel free. I wake up every morning and think, "ok, this really happened to me."
This must be the space of healing. There is much to do here. Hopefully I can learn to be more care free. Eventually I'll find the key which will unlock the door to my next journey.

Healing

Survivorship requires healing, healing the body, mind and spirit.
I've been thinking about what I might need to heal and realizing that it's an ongoing process. Eventually, the physical scars will become less noticeable. Skin recovers, hair grows back.
(As you can see in this pic, my hair came back!)
I must be strong like the bear.
The most important healing must occur in the mind. Thoughts must detach from the negative power of the illness. I want a disciplined mind, positive thoughts. I've written about feeling empowered, the importance of being your own best friend, self-kindness--but healing is where the rubber meets the road. It's the gateway to successful survivorship.
I'm becoming an affirmations junkie.
I'm working to live outside the C Monster's intimidating shadow.
Those of us who have battled the C Monster know the mind must become a mighty fortress. The battles require strategy, finesse. An army of Thoughts fight the lurking C Monster. Wizardly powers defy the monster's energy and cast spells which provide divine protection. This wizardly power is fed by prayers.
At the same time, getting out of your head is refreshing. Time spent in the natural world is how I worship. Spending time with those who appreciate our cathedrals of wildness inspire me. I imagine the spirit of the largest and tiniest natural beings ... a grizzly bear ... a village of native grasses.
This week I'm grateful to Canada's poet Tom Wayman and the lyrical straight shooter Sid Marty for supporting, writing about and appreciating the natural world.
Off to explore and heal!
image from www.siec.k12.in.us/cannelton/animalsunite/grizzly marked as Eastern Slopes Grizzly Bears Project image -- grizzly bear enthusiasts can Google Dr. Stephen Herrero, Charlie Russell and Sid Marty for profound insights

Pink Enough?

Geez. Has everything turned pink? I've seen pink hammers, pens, pink-dyed white chocolate covered strawberries, socks, toilet scrubbers--I'm pinked out.
I've finished all the treatment for breast cancer just in time for thirty one days of breast cancer awareness--I'm chronically aware.
I know, I know, this month of awareness will save lives and gains research dollars. I'm grateful. But are we hyper-aware, or is it just me?
I will admit, since my diagnosis, I've become a compulsive-handwashing-or-germ-gel-cleansing-internal checking (please let my blood counts be normal!)-external-checking-(oh my god! Is that lump on my thigh? Please let it be a fatty tumor, not a TUMOR!!)-hypochondriac.
Here's the problem. We are hyper pro-active on prevention and detection, but no one tells us what to do, how to handle the diagnosis until it's too late.
It's a kick in the gut. It's a "someone else take the wheel" moment.
Are we more aware or are we more afraid? We're training women to be good detectives, but once caught, what's next?
What do you do if it happens to you? How do we prepare women for the possibility of a breast cancer diagnosis?

unpacking your bags for survivorship

Two days after my radiation treatment completed, I boarded a plane for Canada! Within a week, we are moved in: pets, furnishings, cars, all in one place. And my kids will be here this weekend! Yea!
This is DAY ELEVEN of my survivorship, I am cancer-free, one of the girls in pink, just in time for Breast Cancer Awareness month. It was great see so many celebrations all over North America, particularly NFL players sporting pink for the cause.
Even more special, my friends Robin and Glenda honored me by running the Komen Race for the Cure in Houston, Texas! Texas friends kick ass! I wish I could have participated here, but radiation leaves you with a whole new kind of jet lag.
And, after 28 days of treatments, I have to fight the impulse to crawl into my microwave oven every morning! Too, I'm trying to relax, get off my worry-g0-round and enjoy the people I love.
Onward!
(above pic, Survivors' Flags from Susan G. Komen Houston Race for the Cure website)